Maximum Medical Improvement

Yesterday I was released from my back doctor’s care. I have mixed emotions about this. On the one hand I am thrilled that I have recovered enough that I no longer need regular follow-up care, that we know how to manage my flare-ups, that I know to avoid most situations that will encourage a flare-up, and that I am in very little pain. To look at me, you would never know that 8½ months ago I couldn't walk unassisted or stand longer than 40 seconds. I am back to working out—sans running—and am back in shape.

On the other hand, being released from care means that my doctor thinks I have reached MMI—maximum medical improvement—and that there is nothing more he can do for me. That means my sciatica likely will not resolve completely; I will forever require a sit/stand station at work. I will probably never again be able to sit through a movie. I won’t have leisurely conversations with friends over meals. I won’t be able to jump for joy watching Noah’s soccer games and the front-row-center seats at Ben’s performances will be filled by someone other than me.

My vacation, leisure, and recreation activities will be selected and modified based on how long I must remain seated and how much strain my back can withstand. Travel plans will hinge on finding transportation with seats that fully recline.

I’m not as mobile as I once was. It’s harder for me to bend down and I can’t lift or carry heavy items. So housekeeping and cleaning is more of a chore than it was before and I get physically tired much, much faster nowadays. I can’t lie on my right side or sit upright on a couch, so I can no longer cuddle with the boys on either side of me while we watch TV. I think that’s the worst part—that it has dramatically changed the way I physically interact with my kids. I find it so soothing to have them physically close to me. And now my ability to accomplish that is severely limited.

Yeah, I know I’m being whiny and that many people have it far worse than I; I know many friends who had the same injury and have not recovered nearly as well as I have. And yet I know others with the same injury—or worse—who recovered fully and have returned to their very active lifestyles. Every body and every situation is different, of course, but I really was expecting that I would be one of the luckiest ones.